[CRISP-TEAM] Editorial suggestions

[Alan Barrett]

On Tue, 13 Jan 2015, Bill Woodcock wrote:
> Here’s the integrated document.  Note that this does _not_ 
> attempt aesthetic page-breaks.  I’ll wait on that (and a 
> final, more thorough, copyedit) until all of the substantive 
> changes from the January 12 deadline are added.

This looks good.  Thank you very much for all the hard work.

A few things that I noticed while reviewing it:

* The numbering has all been changed, from things like I.B.iii to 
things like 1.2.3.  I prefer the straitforward 1.2.3 style, but 
I thought we had decided to keep the confusing I.B.iii style for 
consistency with the RFP.

* Several of the headings or bullet points are quotations from 
the RFP.  In such cases, I think we should not edit them.  For 
example, if the RFP says "Description of Community's Use of IANA", 
I think we should not change it to "Descripotion of Community's 
use of the IANA", even though we think that "the IANA" would be 
better.  Similarly, where the RFP says "A description of the 
customer(s) of the service or activity", I am uncomfortable with 
deleting the "(s)".  There are many more examples of this sort of 
change.

* In section 2.1.2, where it says "The community engages in 
regional policy development process facilitated by each RIR ...".  
I think "process" should be plural "processes".

* "AFRINIC" was changed to "AfriNIC" in several places.  The 
organi[sz]ation itself now uses the all-caps style "AFRINIC" in 
marketing material.

* In section 2.1.3, where it says "the NTIA has no oversight 
role in Internet number resource policy-making related to IANA 
Numbering Services", I think the sentence sounds clumsy.  I 
suggest "the NTIAhas no oversight role in policy-making related to 
IANA Numbering Services".

* In section 2.1.3, it now says that the NRO NC is "a group 
comprising fifteen community members selected by the RIR 
community" but it no longer says that there are three from each 
RIR.  If a new RIR were to emerge, the "three from each RIR" would 
remain, but the "fifteen" would change.

* In section 2.1.3, when it talks abouut arbitration, the previous 
text was very closely aligned with the ASO MoU, which talks 
about "ICC Rules" and "Bermuda".  The new text has replaced that 
with talk of "a neutral venue", which is not alogned with the 
existing ASO MoU.  I think that the old description shuold be 
retained, because this section is supposed to describe existing 
arrangements.

* In section 3.1.3, typo in "consisten with current mechanisms" 
should be "consistent with current mechanisms".

* In section 4.1, "A new agreement specifying IANA operation of 
the Internet number registries can be established well before the 
September transition", please add the year "2015", and I think we 
should still refer to thet date as a "target date", not as though 
it were definite.  So, I suggest "A new agreement specifying IANA 
operation of the Internet number registries can be established 
well before the transition taget date of September 2015".

* In section 4.1, "Ee propose to simply reconcile the contracting 
party with the policy authority, without changing service levels 
or reporting".  Is that true?  Might we not take the opportunity 
to make minor changes to the service levels, and will reporting 
not be directed to a different place instead of the NTIA?  So I 
suggest "... without significant changes to service levels or 
reporting".

* In section 5, the first item "Support and enhance the 
multistakeholder model" seems to be missing a bullet.

* Generally, we should check that dates are consistently 
formatted, and that they always include a year.  I can live 
with the US-style "Mmmm dd, YYYY", provided it's consistent, 
and I suppose I can live with mentioning the year only once per 
paragraph.

* In section 6.2.3, "ARIN 34 meeting in Baltimore" doesn't mention 
what state or country that city is in.  Similarly, in 6.2.4, 
"Santiago" is mentioned without a country.  I suggest giving the 
country every time a city is mentioned, and also giving the state 
or province if the city is in a country where that is the common 
practice.

--apb (Alan Barrett)