[CRISP-TEAM] 2ND CRISP IANA PROPOSAL Draft - CRISP Review

[Izumi Okutani]

Great work Michael!

 From my checking, all the necessary edits have been incorporated, 
including the suggestion I made last minutes for Section VI (i.e., 
adding a sentence second to the last).

I'm also fine with the edits you made in II.B.3.ii Regional Internet 
Registries.

I just have one very minor editorial suggestions:To number the title of 
each proposal elements in the format as (1)(2)(3)(4).

  Reason:
  We used this numbering format in listing our proposal elements as
  "III.A. The elements of this proposal are as follows:".

   I would like to keep contistency so that it is visually clear that
   each title corresponds to the proposal elements listed at the
   beginning.

Please see at the end of this e-mail to confirm details.(*)


To CRISP Team,
Michael has reflected all changes suggested. However, I felt some 
reordering of the paragraph is needed to make it easy to understand and 
read the proposal. This is not based on text suggestions made in the 
past, so I'll make a seperate thread to consult you.



----
(*) Suggested editorial change:
----
OLD:
III.A.1. ICANN to continue as the IANA functions operator on number 
resources
III.A.2. IPR related to the provision of the IANA services stay with the 
community
III.A.3. Contract and Service level agreement with the IANA functions 
operator on number resources
III.A.4. Establishment of a Review Committee

NEW:
III.A (1) ICANN to continue as the IANA functions operator on number 
resources
III.A (2) IPR related to the provision of the IANA services stay with 
the community
III.A (3) Contract and Service level agreement with the IANA functions 
operator on
number resources
III.A (4) Establishment of a Review Committee
----


Regards,
Izumi



On 2015/01/08 17:07, Michael Abejuela wrote:
> Hello CRISP Team,
>
> Thank you all for your comments and redlined text, it definitely helped with incorporating the edits into this 2nd draft of the proposal.  Thank you also to Izumi and Alan for compiling a lot of the necessary changes into a consolidated form.  I attempted to incorporate all of the revised text, but please review for any that I may have missed and need to edit.  I also proposed a numbering scheme that may or may not seem awkward to some but appreciate any feedback on this item as well.  I am attaching both a clean and redline version for your review.  I will also make final formatting updates on the final draft for release as a last cleanup.
>
> One editorial item I did incorporate but ask for your comment or approval is in the section now labeled II.B.3.ii Regional Internet Registries � second paragraph, last sentence where I have removed �specific funding or operational resolutions� and in its place put �matters related to the respective RIR.�  I made this language more general to be in line with my understanding of all the RIRs and to avoid any confusion that there are specific funding or operational resolutions for which members cast votes on a regular basis.
>
> After reviewing this draft, please let me know if there are any additional changes to be made.  I recall that we have a deadline for comments at 11:00 UTC so that I can incorporate any final edits by 12:00 UTC and ultimate release of the proposal to the community at 13:00 UTC.
>
> Thanks,
> -Michael
>
> p.s.  One item I recall there being a removal of text had to do with the discussion of the issue of how detailed provisions about the contract would be included but I did not remove any such text.  It may have already been addressed in the edits but I wanted to confirm with the team just in case.  Thanks.
>
> --
> Michael R. Abejuela
> Associate General Counsel
> ARIN
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>
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