[CRISP-TEAM] 2ND CRISP IANA PROPOSAL Draft - CRISP Review

[Nurani Nimpuno]

Hi Michael and all,

Please find below my second, more detailed set of comments on the text. Most of it is editorial/formatting changes and no change in substance. However the first one (III.A.3), regarding the title of the section is a rather substantial one. It seems the title changed from the final version that Paul sent out yesterday, which I assume is a simple typo. 

Kind regards,

Nurani

~~~~~

III.A.3. 

   "Contract and Service level agreement with the IANA functions operator on number resources"

Replace with:
   "Service level agreement with the IANA functions operator on number resources"

(Comment: I don't know how the "Contract and" snuck in here as it wasn't in the final text. But I strongly suggest we remove it as it might give the impression that we are talking about two things, a contract and an SLA agreement".)
~~~~~

III.A.3. 
   "It is expected that RIR staff will draft the specific language 
   of this agreement, and that the drafting process will be guided by 
   the following principles. References to relevant sections of the 
   current NTIA agreement are also noted, as it is expected the new 
   agreement will share many of the same contractual goals and 
   mechanisms."

Replace with:
   "It is expected that RIR staff will draft the specific language 
   of this agreement, and that the drafting process will be guided by 
   the principles listed below. References to relevant sections of the 
   current NTIA agreement are also noted, as it is expected the new 
   agreement will share many of the same contractual goals and 
   mechanisms."

(Comment: Instead of "following principles", "principles listed below".)
~~~~~

V.E The proposal must not replace the NTIA role with a government-led 
or an inter-governmental oranization solution

   "This proposal will place the RIRs in the role currently occupied 
    by NTIA."

Replace with:
   "This proposal does not replace the NTIA role with a government-led 
    or an inter-governmental oranization solution. This proposal will 
    place the RIRs in the role currently occupied by NTIA."

(Comment: Simply to add clarity. But I do not feel strongly about this.)
~~~~~

VI B. AFRINIC regional process

   "As a follow up to the meeting, AFRINIC setup a mailing list"

-> Replace "setup" with "set up"
~~~~

VI B. AFRINIC regional process

    "AFRINIC also conducted a survey seeking community input on the 
    IANA Stewardship Transition. The results of the survey are 
    published
    at: http://afrinic.net/images/stories/Initiatives/%20survey%20on%20the%20iana%20
    stewardship%20transition.pdf"

Replace with:

    "AFRINIC also conducted a survey seeking community input on the IANA 
    Stewardship Transition. The results of the survey are published at:
    http://afrinic.net/images/stories/Initiatives/%20survey%20on%20the%20iana%20
    stewardship%20transition.pdf"

(Comment: Remove hard line break after "published")
~~~~~

VI B. AFRINIC regional process

    "The AFRINIC region CRISP team was selected/appointed by the
    AFRINIC Board of Directors. Key highlights/milestones of the selection/
    appointment process follow below:

Replace with:
    "The AFRINIC region CRISP team was selected/appointed by the AFRINIC 
    Board of Directors. Key highlights/milestones of the selection/appointment process 
    follow below:

(Comment: Remove hard line break after "the")
~~~~~

VI.C. APNIC regional process:

   "A draft proposal was discussed at the dedicated session at the 
    APNIC 38 Meeting in September 2014, which saw the general 
   community consensus. The meeting provided remote participation tools 
   to enable wider participation from communities across Asia Pacific 
   and beyond, with live webcasts as well as
   Adobe Connect virtual conference room.

Replace with:

   "A draft proposal was discussed at the dedicated session at the 
    APNIC 38 Meeting in September 2014, which saw the general 
   community consensus. The meeting provided remote participation tools 
   to enable wider participation from communities across Asia Pacific 
   and beyond, with live webcasts as well as Adobe Connect virtual conference room.

(Comment: Remove hard line break after "as")
~~~~~

VI.E. LACNIC regional process:

   "The final result of the Consultation at LACNIC
   Community: http://www.lacnic.net/en/web/transicion/resultado-consulta-publica"

Replace with:
   "The final result of the Consultation at LACNIC Community:
    http://www.lacnic.net/en/web/transicion/resultado-consulta-publica"

(Comment: Remove hard line break after "Community")
~~~~~






On 8 jan 2015, at 09:07, Michael Abejuela <mabejuela at arin.net> wrote:

> Hello CRISP Team,
> 
> Thank you all for your comments and redlined text, it definitely helped with incorporating the edits into this 2nd draft of the proposal.  Thank you also to Izumi and Alan for compiling a lot of the necessary changes into a consolidated form.  I attempted to incorporate all of the revised text, but please review for any that I may have missed and need to edit.  I also proposed a numbering scheme that may or may not seem awkward to some but appreciate any feedback on this item as well.  I am attaching both a clean and redline version for your review.  I will also make final formatting updates on the final draft for release as a last cleanup.
> 
> One editorial item I did incorporate but ask for your comment or approval is in the section now labeled II.B.3.ii Regional Internet Registries – second paragraph, last sentence where I have removed “specific funding or operational resolutions” and in its place put “matters related to the respective RIR.”  I made this language more general to be in line with my understanding of all the RIRs and to avoid any confusion that there are specific funding or operational resolutions for which members cast votes on a regular basis.
> 
> After reviewing this draft, please let me know if there are any additional changes to be made.  I recall that we have a deadline for comments at 11:00 UTC so that I can incorporate any final edits by 12:00 UTC and ultimate release of the proposal to the community at 13:00 UTC.
> 
> Thanks,
> -Michael
> 
> p.s.  One item I recall there being a removal of text had to do with the discussion of the issue of how detailed provisions about the contract would be included but I did not remove any such text.  It may have already been addressed in the edits but I wanted to confirm with the team just in case.  Thanks.
> 
> -- 
> Michael R. Abejuela
> Associate General Counsel
> ARIN
> 3635 Concorde Parkway
> Suite 200
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> (703) 227-9875 (p)
> (703) 263-0111 (f)
> mabejuela at arin.net
>  
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