[CRISP-TEAM] ver.4 Draft Announcement for the proposal

[Nurani Nimpuno]

Dear Izumi,

Thanks for this. Excellent announcement. 
I have a few minor editorial suggestion and one suggested change on substance below.

On 7 jan 2015, at 17:38, Izumi Okutani <izumi at nic.ad.jp> wrote:

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Internet Number Community IANA Stewardship Proposal: Final Call for Comments
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Dear colleagues,
> 
> 
> Please find the second draft of the Internet numbers community's

Could we say "second, and final draft" here? 
(And the proposal we send to the ICG is called the "finalised proposal"?)

> response to the Request For Proposals issued by the IANA Stewardship
> Coordination Group (ICG).
> 
> This draft has been prepared by the Consolidated RIR IANA Stewardship
> Proposal (CRISP) team, with considerations of feedback received from the
> global community on <ianaxfer at nro.net> mailing list.
> 
> We have incorporated the following key points in the second draft:
> 
>  - Additional description on contract details, review committee and
>    intellectual property rights
>  - Description revised on Section V. NITA Requirements and VI.
>    Community Process for more clarity
>  - No changes are made to key elements of the proposal
> 
> CRISP team have considered all comments expresed on <ianaxfer at nro.net>

expressed

> mailing list, and would now like to make the final call for comments
> from the global community on the draft proposal, before submitting to ICG. 
> 
> Second Draft proposal:
> ------------------------
> Clean Version: ## URL ##
> Redline Version: ## URL ##
> 
> The deadline for providing feedback: Mon, 12 January 2015 23:59 UTC
> Feedback should be sent to         : <ianaxfer at nro.net> mailing list
> 
> Community Inputs Considered by CRISP Team:
> ------------------------------------------
> You can check the status of the issues raised by the community and
> proposed CRISP Team positions at:
> 
>   ## URL ##
> 
> Key dates:
> -----------
>   Second draft to be published	    :  8 Jan 2015
>   Second draft comments close	    : 12 Jan 2015, 23:59 UTC
>   Final proposal to be sent to ICG : 15 Jan 2015
> 
> How to Engage in Discussions:
> -----------------------------
>  All global discussions, for CRISP team to consider as community
>  feedback, will be conducted at <ianaxfer at nro.net> mailing list.
>  All CRISP team discussions are open to observers.
> 
> Next Step:
> -----------
>  In developing the final draft based on further feedback, CRISP Team

"The CRISP Team"

>  will ensure it has completed considerations of all substantial issues
>  raised by the global community, which are compiled on the published

compiled in the published

>  issues list. The Team will not incorporate any issues which are
>  considered to be unresolved by CRISP Team into the proposal.

Could we reword this to something more positive, but still clear?
Would the following work:

"The proposal will only incorporate issues that the CRISP team believes have received consensus support from the community". 

> References:
> ------------
> * Discussions by CRISP Team
>    Details of all the CRISP team's work to date, including recordings,
>    minutes and agendas of all CRISP teleconferences and a public
>    archive of the internal CRISP team mailing list, are available at:
>    https://nro.net/crisp-team
> 
> * Other links:
>  - ICG request for proposals:
>   <https://www.icann.org/news/announcement-3-2014-09-03-en>
> 
>  - The IANA Stewardship Transition Discussion in each RIR region:
> <https://www.nro.net/nro-and-internet-governance/iana-oversight/timeline-for-rirs-engagement-in-iana-stewardship-transition-process>
> 
>  - First Draft proposal (Edited version)
> 
> https://www.nro.net/wp-content/uploads/CRISP-IANA-PROPOSAL-Draft-24122014-clean.pdf

Thanks again,

Nurani

> 
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> 
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