[CRISP-TEAM] Updated proposal draft - reordering answers edit

Wed Dec 24 08:38:56 CET 2014

Hello CRISP Team Members,

Please find attached the updated version of the proposal draft both in
redline and clean versions.  I have tried to capture all of the comments
and corresponding edits, but please let me know if you observe any
discrepancies.  The references, acronyms and apostrophe issues should have
all been caught in this draft.

Izumi, I did try to relocate the section you referenced to be moved to
Section IV or end of Section III; however, I noticed that the paragraph
was specifically to respond to one question on Section III.  Therefore,
instead of relocating the paragraph, I added the specific question above
that paragraph language to be clear on the purpose for the paragraph.
Also, I considered adding the specific questions to map against the
content in Section V and VI; however, it appears a lot of the language
generally responds to the questions of those sections overall.  So for
now, I’ve kept it the same as it may require significant rewriting of text
which may, if necessary, be prudent to do in the Second Draft output.  I
welcome any suggestions or alternatives on this.

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask.

Thanks,
-Michael

-- 
Michael R. Abejuela

Associate General Counsel

ARIN

3635 Concorde Parkway

Suite 200

Chantilly, VA 20151

(703) 227-9875 (p)

(703) 263-0111 (f)

mabejuela at arin.net

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On 12/23/14, 10:08 AM, "Izumi Okutani" <izumi at nic.ad.jp> wrote:

>Thanks Nurani,
>
>I reflected all your comments for Sections I & II except general editing
>comments.
>
>Please see inline.
>
>(2014/12/23 22:17), Nurani Nimpuno wrote:
>> Apologies. One more comment that I forgot to include in my previous
>>mail.
>> 
>> In a few places we talk about "Regional RIR communities. That should of
>>course be "RIR communities", or if we want to stress the regional
>>aspect, we say "Regional Internet Registry communities."
>
>Makes sense. I'll leave this to Michael for checking on the whole draft
>- if Michael doesn't mind.
>
>> Thanks,
>> Nurani
>> 
>> 
>> 
>>> On 23 dec 2014, at 13:54, Nurani Nimpuno <nurani at netnod.se> wrote:
>>>
>>> Thank you so much for the updated draft. Here are a few comments from
>>>me.
>>>
>>> General editiorial comments:
>>> 1. Change all "ASN's", "RIR's" etc to "ASNs", "RIRs" etc.
>>>
>>> 2. Write out Regional Internet Registries (RIRs), AS Numbers (ASNs)
>>>Internet Protocol (IP) addresses, gPDP etc first time they're
>>>mentioned, and use the acronym consistently in the rest of the document.
>
>Again, will leave this to Michael.
>
>>> Specific comments on the text
>>>
>>> I.
>>>> Possible reasons for changes include the possibility that the IETF
>>>>may release some previously reserved space for general use, or may
>>>>reserve some previously unused space for a special purpose.
>>>
>>> I suggest changing "Possible reasons" to "Potential reasons"
>>> (But I don't feel very strongly about this. )
>
>Changed to "Potential reasons"
>
>>> II. A
>>>> The ASO MoU is an agreement between the RIR communities and ICANN, as
>>>>the IANA functions operator;
>>>
>>> This is not correct. This MoU relates to policy making and defines the
>>>roles for the RIRs and ICANN. (As we say in the previous sentence.)
>>> Suggestion: Add a full stop after ICANN.
>
>Reflected: "as the IANA functions operator;" --> deleted.
>
>>>
>>> II. B
>>>> A decision by the NTIA to discontinue its stewardship of the IANA
>>>>functions, and therefore its contractual relationship with the IANA
>>>>functions operator, would not have any significant impact on the
>>>>continuity of Internet number-related IANA services currently provided
>>>>by ICANN or the ongoing community processes for development of
>>>>policies relating to those services. However, it would remove a
>>>>significant element of oversight from the current system.
>>>
>>> I see that Andrei has already commented on this, and I agree with his
>>>suggestions on this.
>
>Yes, this is reflected.
>
>>> V
>>>
>>>> 7. The only new organization that is proposed is the Review Committee
>>>>that will be established to advise and assist the NRO Executive
>>>>Council in its periodic review of the service level provided by the
>>>>IANA functions operator.
>>>
>>> I feel like this paragraph sounds like it is describing the creation
>>>of a whole new organisation. I suggest changing the text to:
>>>
>>> 7. No new organisation is proposed. However, a new process within the
>>>RIR structures is proposed, where a Review Committee is established to
>>>advise and assist the NRO Executive Council in its periodic review of
>>>the service level provided by the IANA functions operator.
>>>
>>> (Or something or rather. Happy to hear other suggestions for better
>>>wording.)
>
>I leave this editing to Michael.
>
>Thanks Nurani.
>
>Izumi
>
>>> Kind regards,
>>>
>>> Nurani
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> -- 
>>> Nurani Nimpuno
>>> Head of Outreach & Communications,   Netnod
>>>
>>> <nurani at netnod.se>,     http://www.netnod.se
>>> Box 30194  |  SE-104 25 Stockholm  |  Sweden
>>> ---------------------------------------------
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>> On 22 dec 2014, at 21:13, Michael Abejuela <mabejuela at arin.net> wrote:
>>>>
>>>> Hello Everyone,
>>>>
>>>> Please find attached the updated proposal draft as discussed during
>>>>the conference call earlier today.  You will observe both a redline
>>>>version highlighting the changes proposed by myself, Izumi and Alan.
>>>>In addition, a clean version is attached for ease of review that
>>>>includes minor formatting changes.
>>>>
>>>> Please let me know if you have any questions.  Izumi and Alan, I
>>>>trust I was able to capture all of your edits but please review and
>>>>let me know if I have missed any.  I look forward to the team���s
>>>>comments.
>>>>
>>>> Thanks,
>>>> -Michael
>>>>
>>>> -- 
>>>> Michael R. Abejuela
>>>> Associate General Counsel
>>>> ARIN
>>>> 3635 Concorde Parkway
>>>> Suite 200
>>>> Chantilly, VA 20151
>>>> (703) 227-9875 (p)
>>>> (703) 263-0111 (f)
>>>> mabejuela at arin.net
>>>>   
>>>> Confidentiality Notice: This e-mail message, including any
>>>>attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may
>>>>contain confidential and privileged information.  Any unauthorized
>>>>review, copy, use, disclosure, or distribution is prohibited.   If you
>>>>are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply
>>>>e-mail and destroy all copies of the original message.
>>>> <CRISP IANA PROPOSAL Draft 22122014-clean.pdf><CRISP IANA PROPOSAL
>>>>Draft 
>>>>22122014-redline.pdf>_______________________________________________
>>>> CRISP mailing list
>>>> CRISP at nro.net
>>>> https://www.nro.net/mailman/listinfo/crisp
>>>
>>> _______________________________________________
>>> CRISP mailing list
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>> 
>> 
>> 
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>
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