[CRISP-TEAM] Updated proposal draft - reordering answers edit

Tue Dec 23 17:57:23 CET 2014

Sounds good Izumi, I will be working on the commented revisions in the
proposal draft and will circulate amongst the team upon completion.

Thanks,
-Michael

-- 
Michael R. Abejuela

Associate General Counsel

ARIN

3635 Concorde Parkway

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(703) 227-9875 (p)

(703) 263-0111 (f)

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On 12/23/14, 10:08 AM, "Izumi Okutani" <izumi at nic.ad.jp> wrote:

>Thanks Nurani,
>
>I reflected all your comments for Sections I & II except general editing
>comments.
>
>Please see inline.
>
>(2014/12/23 22:17), Nurani Nimpuno wrote:
>> Apologies. One more comment that I forgot to include in my previous
>>mail.
>> 
>> In a few places we talk about "Regional RIR communities. That should of
>>course be "RIR communities", or if we want to stress the regional
>>aspect, we say "Regional Internet Registry communities."
>
>Makes sense. I'll leave this to Michael for checking on the whole draft
>- if Michael doesn't mind.
>
>> Thanks,
>> Nurani
>> 
>> 
>> 
>>> On 23 dec 2014, at 13:54, Nurani Nimpuno <nurani at netnod.se> wrote:
>>>
>>> Thank you so much for the updated draft. Here are a few comments from
>>>me.
>>>
>>> General editiorial comments:
>>> 1. Change all "ASN's", "RIR's" etc to "ASNs", "RIRs" etc.
>>>
>>> 2. Write out Regional Internet Registries (RIRs), AS Numbers (ASNs)
>>>Internet Protocol (IP) addresses, gPDP etc first time they're
>>>mentioned, and use the acronym consistently in the rest of the document.
>
>Again, will leave this to Michael.
>
>>> Specific comments on the text
>>>
>>> I.
>>>> Possible reasons for changes include the possibility that the IETF
>>>>may release some previously reserved space for general use, or may
>>>>reserve some previously unused space for a special purpose.
>>>
>>> I suggest changing "Possible reasons" to "Potential reasons"
>>> (But I don't feel very strongly about this. )
>
>Changed to "Potential reasons"
>
>>> II. A
>>>> The ASO MoU is an agreement between the RIR communities and ICANN, as
>>>>the IANA functions operator;
>>>
>>> This is not correct. This MoU relates to policy making and defines the
>>>roles for the RIRs and ICANN. (As we say in the previous sentence.)
>>> Suggestion: Add a full stop after ICANN.
>
>Reflected: "as the IANA functions operator;" --> deleted.
>
>>>
>>> II. B
>>>> A decision by the NTIA to discontinue its stewardship of the IANA
>>>>functions, and therefore its contractual relationship with the IANA
>>>>functions operator, would not have any significant impact on the
>>>>continuity of Internet number-related IANA services currently provided
>>>>by ICANN or the ongoing community processes for development of
>>>>policies relating to those services. However, it would remove a
>>>>significant element of oversight from the current system.
>>>
>>> I see that Andrei has already commented on this, and I agree with his
>>>suggestions on this.
>
>Yes, this is reflected.
>
>>> V
>>>
>>>> 7. The only new organization that is proposed is the Review Committee
>>>>that will be established to advise and assist the NRO Executive
>>>>Council in its periodic review of the service level provided by the
>>>>IANA functions operator.
>>>
>>> I feel like this paragraph sounds like it is describing the creation
>>>of a whole new organisation. I suggest changing the text to:
>>>
>>> 7. No new organisation is proposed. However, a new process within the
>>>RIR structures is proposed, where a Review Committee is established to
>>>advise and assist the NRO Executive Council in its periodic review of
>>>the service level provided by the IANA functions operator.
>>>
>>> (Or something or rather. Happy to hear other suggestions for better
>>>wording.)
>
>I leave this editing to Michael.
>
>Thanks Nurani.
>
>Izumi
>
>>> Kind regards,
>>>
>>> Nurani
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> -- 
>>> Nurani Nimpuno
>>> Head of Outreach & Communications,   Netnod
>>>
>>> <nurani at netnod.se>,     http://www.netnod.se
>>> Box 30194  |  SE-104 25 Stockholm  |  Sweden
>>> ---------------------------------------------
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>> On 22 dec 2014, at 21:13, Michael Abejuela <mabejuela at arin.net> wrote:
>>>>
>>>> Hello Everyone,
>>>>
>>>> Please find attached the updated proposal draft as discussed during
>>>>the conference call earlier today.  You will observe both a redline
>>>>version highlighting the changes proposed by myself, Izumi and Alan.
>>>>In addition, a clean version is attached for ease of review that
>>>>includes minor formatting changes.
>>>>
>>>> Please let me know if you have any questions.  Izumi and Alan, I
>>>>trust I was able to capture all of your edits but please review and
>>>>let me know if I have missed any.  I look forward to the team���s
>>>>comments.
>>>>
>>>> Thanks,
>>>> -Michael
>>>>
>>>> -- 
>>>> Michael R. Abejuela
>>>> Associate General Counsel
>>>> ARIN
>>>> 3635 Concorde Parkway
>>>> Suite 200
>>>> Chantilly, VA 20151
>>>> (703) 227-9875 (p)
>>>> (703) 263-0111 (f)
>>>> mabejuela at arin.net
>>>>   
>>>> Confidentiality Notice: This e-mail message, including any
>>>>attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may
>>>>contain confidential and privileged information.  Any unauthorized
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>>>>are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply
>>>>e-mail and destroy all copies of the original message.
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>>>>Draft 
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