[CRISP-TEAM] Update redline for Sections I and II Re: Updated proposal draft - reordering answers edit
Izumi Okutani
izumi at nic.ad.jp
Tue Dec 23 16:04:37 CET 2014
Michael, please find as attached the redline version incorporating
feedbacks for Sections I & II.
For comments on the general format, consistency of wording, I haven't
touched, as I believe it's more efficient for you to do a comprehensive
check for the whole draft.
For those who provided feedback,
I had incorporated all feedbacks - please let me know incase your
feedback is not reflected for Sections I & II (except for comment in
general formats). Thanks again for your helpful checks & comments.
Izumi
(2014/12/23 23:20), Izumi Okutani wrote:
> Michael, I will send you the redline version of the parts I worked, i.e,
> Sections I & II .
>
> I noticed one more part on Section III - it is already past UTC14:00, so
> I'd appreciate it if you have room to incorporate it, if appropriate.
>
> Section II the second to the last paragraph.
> It makes more sense to me if this is moved to Section IV, which
> describes implications. Alternatively, move to the last paragraph of
> Section III, after all the proposals elements are described.
>
> It seems it is not a part of the propsal, so better not to included
> inbetween paragraphs which describe elements of the proposal.
> -----
> This proposal carries no implication for the interface between IANA
> functions and existing policy arrangements described in Section II.A.
> The text in "Attachment A" of the ICANN ASO MoU meets the current and
> anticipated requirements for a community-driven global policy
> development process.
> As an additional measure of security and stability, the RIRs have
> documented their individual accountability and governance mechanisms,
> and asked the community-based Number Resource Organization Number
> Council (NRO NC) to undertake a review of these mechanisms and make
> recommendations for improvements that may be warranted given the nature
> of the stewardship transition for Internet number resources.
> -----
>
>
> Also as something additional for consideration, it may be helpful to
> either list three proposal elements at the beginning of this Section, or
> put title in the paragraphs which describes each element, for people to
> easy summarize what's being proposed.
>
> In my understanding, there are three proposal elements:
>
> - ICANN to continue as an operator of the IANA function:
> - Agreement: SLA with ICANN as the IANA function operator on number
> resources
> - Review Committee with representatives from each RIR region to
> advice NRO EC on the review of service level
>
> I will leave it to Mchael's decision whether to reflect it for this
> editorial version.
>
> CRISP Team, please comment within the coming 12h (UTC2:30am) if anyone
> has comments.
>
> Izumi
>
> (2014/12/23 22:38), Michael Abejuela wrote:
>> Thank you everyone for the excellent feedback. I understand that we
>> are keeping the comment period open until 14:00 UTC and then I can
>> start incorporating modifications to the draft in line with the
>> comments. If there are any further comments, please send them before
>> that time to make sure they are included. I will endeavor to include
>> all suggested revisions along with Izumi���s updated draft text, but
>> please let me know if I miss anything. Thank you also for the
>> editorial comments, I thought I had caught all the instances
>> (apostrophes, acronyms, etc.) in the first proposal but realize that
>> with the incorporation of multiple texts and moving items around in
>> this update, an update on those items as well is needed. Fifteen
>> pairs of eyes are better than one! :-)
>>
>> --
>> Michael R. Abejuela
>> Associate General Counsel
>> ARIN
>> 3635 Concorde Parkway
>> Suite 200
>> Chantilly, VA 20151
>> (703) 227-9875 (p)
>> (703) 263-0111 (f)
>> mabejuela at arin.net<mailto:mabejuela at arin.net>
>>
>> Confidentiality Notice: This e-mail message, including any
>> attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may
>> contain confidential and privileged information. Any unauthorized
>> review, copy, use, disclosure, or distribution is prohibited. If you
>> are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply
>> e-mail and destroy all copies of the original message.
>>
>> From: Nurani Nimpuno <nurani at netnod.se<mailto:nurani at netnod.se>>
>> Date: Tuesday, December 23, 2014 at 8:17 AM
>> To: Nurani Nimpuno <nurani at netnod.se<mailto:nurani at netnod.se>>
>> Cc: Michael Abejuela <mabejuela at arin.net<mailto:mabejuela at arin.net>>,
>> "crisp at nro.net<mailto:crisp at nro.net>"
>> <crisp at nro.net<mailto:crisp at nro.net>>
>> Subject: Re: [CRISP-TEAM] Updated proposal draft - reordering answers
>> edit
>>
>> Apologies. One more comment that I forgot to include in my previous mail.
>>
>> In a few places we talk about "Regional RIR communities. That should
>> of course be "RIR communities", or if we want to stress the regional
>> aspect, we say "Regional Internet Registry communities."
>>
>> Thanks,
>> Nurani
>>
>>
>>
>> On 23 dec 2014, at 13:54, Nurani Nimpuno
>> <nurani at netnod.se<mailto:nurani at netnod.se>> wrote:
>>
>> Thank you so much for the updated draft. Here are a few comments from me.
>>
>> General editiorial comments:
>> 1. Change all "ASN's", "RIR's" etc to "ASNs", "RIRs" etc.
>>
>> 2. Write out Regional Internet Registries (RIRs), AS Numbers (ASNs)
>> Internet Protocol (IP) addresses, gPDP etc first time they're
>> mentioned, and use the acronym consistently in the rest of the document.
>>
>> Specific comments on the text
>>
>> I.
>> Possible reasons for changes include the possibility that the IETF may
>> release some previously reserved space for general use, or may reserve
>> some previously unused space for a special purpose.
>>
>> I suggest changing "Possible reasons" to "Potential reasons"
>> (But I don't feel very strongly about this. )
>>
>> II. A
>> The ASO MoU is an agreement between the RIR communities and ICANN, as
>> the IANA functions operator;
>>
>> This is not correct. This MoU relates to policy making and defines the
>> roles for the RIRs and ICANN. (As we say in the previous sentence.)
>> Suggestion: Add a full stop after ICANN.
>>
>>
>> II. B
>> A decision by the NTIA to discontinue its stewardship of the IANA
>> functions, and therefore its contractual relationship with the IANA
>> functions operator, would not have any significant impact on the
>> continuity of Internet number-related IANA services currently provided
>> by ICANN or the ongoing community processes for development of
>> policies relating to those services. However, it would remove a
>> significant element of oversight from the current system.
>>
>> I see that Andrei has already commented on this, and I agree with his
>> suggestions on this.
>>
>> V
>>
>> 7. The only new organization that is proposed is the Review Committee
>> that will be established to advise and assist the NRO Executive
>> Council in its periodic review of the service level provided by the
>> IANA functions operator.
>>
>> I feel like this paragraph sounds like it is describing the creation
>> of a whole new organisation. I suggest changing the text to:
>>
>> 7. No new organisation is proposed. However, a new process within the
>> RIR structures is proposed, where a Review Committee is established to
>> advise and assist the NRO Executive Council in its periodic review of
>> the service level provided by the IANA functions operator.
>>
>> (Or something or rather. Happy to hear other suggestions for better
>> wording.)
>>
>> Kind regards,
>>
>> Nurani
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> --
>> Nurani Nimpuno
>> Head of Outreach & Communications, Netnod
>>
>> <nurani at netnod.se<mailto:nurani at netnod.se>>, http://www.netnod.se
>> Box 30194 | SE-104 25 Stockholm | Sweden
>> ---------------------------------------------
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> On 22 dec 2014, at 21:13, Michael Abejuela
>> <mabejuela at arin.net<mailto:mabejuela at arin.net>> wrote:
>>
>> Hello Everyone,
>>
>> Please find attached the updated proposal draft as discussed during
>> the conference call earlier today. You will observe both a redline
>> version highlighting the changes proposed by myself, Izumi and Alan.
>> In addition, a clean version is attached for ease of review that
>> includes minor formatting changes.
>>
>> Please let me know if you have any questions. Izumi and Alan, I trust
>> I was able to capture all of your edits but please review and let me
>> know if I have missed any. I look forward to the team���s comments.
>>
>> Thanks,
>> -Michael
>>
>> --
>> Michael R. Abejuela
>> Associate General Counsel
>> ARIN
>> 3635 Concorde Parkway
>> Suite 200
>> Chantilly, VA 20151
>> (703) 227-9875 (p)
>> (703) 263-0111 (f)
>> mabejuela at arin.net<mailto:mabejuela at arin.net>
>>
>> Confidentiality Notice: This e-mail message, including any
>> attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may
>> contain confidential and privileged information. Any unauthorized
>> review, copy, use, disclosure, or distribution is prohibited. If you
>> are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply
>> e-mail and destroy all copies of the original message.
>> <CRISP IANA PROPOSAL Draft 22122014-clean.pdf><CRISP IANA PROPOSAL
>> Draft
>> 22122014-redline.pdf>_______________________________________________
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