[CRISP-TEAM] Updated proposal draft - reordering answers edit

Tue Dec 23 15:20:36 CET 2014

Michael, I will send you the redline version of the parts I worked, i.e, 
Sections I & II .

I noticed one more part on Section III - it is already past UTC14:00, so 
I'd appreciate it if you have room to incorporate it, if appropriate.

Section II the second to the last paragraph.
It makes more sense to me if this is moved to Section IV, which 
describes implications. Alternatively, move to the last paragraph of 
Section III, after all the proposals elements are described.

It seems it is not a part of the propsal, so better not to included 
inbetween paragraphs which describe elements of the proposal.
-----
This proposal carries no implication for the interface between IANA 
functions and existing policy arrangements described in Section II.A. 
The text in "Attachment A" of the ICANN ASO MoU meets the current and 
anticipated requirements for a community-driven global policy 
development  process.
As an additional measure of security and stability, the RIRs have 
documented their individual accountability and governance mechanisms, 
and asked the community-based Number Resource Organization Number 
Council (NRO NC) to undertake a review of these mechanisms and make 
recommendations for improvements that may be warranted given the nature 
of the stewardship transition for Internet number resources.
-----

Also as something additional for consideration, it may be helpful to 
either list three proposal elements at the beginning of this Section, or 
put title in the paragraphs which describes each element, for people to 
easy summarize what's being proposed.

In my understanding, there are three proposal elements:

   - ICANN to continue as an operator of the IANA function:
   - Agreement: SLA with ICANN as the IANA function operator on number
     resources
   - Review Committee with representatives from each RIR region to
     advice NRO EC on the review of service level

I will leave it to Mchael's decision whether to reflect it for this 
editorial version.

CRISP Team, please comment within the coming 12h (UTC2:30am) if anyone 
has comments.

Izumi

(2014/12/23 22:38), Michael Abejuela wrote:
> Thank you everyone for the excellent feedback.  I understand that we are keeping the comment period open until 14:00 UTC and then I can start incorporating modifications to the draft in line with the comments.  If there are any further comments, please send them before that time to make sure they are included.  I will endeavor to include all suggested revisions along with Izumi�s updated draft text, but please let me know if I miss anything.  Thank you also for the editorial comments, I thought I had caught all the instances (apostrophes, acronyms, etc.) in the first proposal but realize that with the incorporation of multiple texts and moving items around in this update, an update on those items as well is needed.  Fifteen pairs of eyes are better than one! :-)
>
> --
> Michael R. Abejuela
> Associate General Counsel
> ARIN
> 3635 Concorde Parkway
> Suite 200
> Chantilly, VA 20151
> (703) 227-9875 (p)
> (703) 263-0111 (f)
> mabejuela at arin.net<mailto:mabejuela at arin.net>
>
> Confidentiality Notice: This e-mail message, including any attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain confidential and privileged information.  Any unauthorized review, copy, use, disclosure, or distribution is prohibited.   If you are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply e-mail and destroy all copies of the original message.
>
> From: Nurani Nimpuno <nurani at netnod.se<mailto:nurani at netnod.se>>
> Date: Tuesday, December 23, 2014 at 8:17 AM
> To: Nurani Nimpuno <nurani at netnod.se<mailto:nurani at netnod.se>>
> Cc: Michael Abejuela <mabejuela at arin.net<mailto:mabejuela at arin.net>>, "crisp at nro.net<mailto:crisp at nro.net>" <crisp at nro.net<mailto:crisp at nro.net>>
> Subject: Re: [CRISP-TEAM] Updated proposal draft - reordering answers edit
>
> Apologies. One more comment that I forgot to include in my previous mail.
>
> In a few places we talk about "Regional RIR communities. That should of course be "RIR communities", or if we want to stress the regional aspect, we say "Regional Internet Registry communities."
>
> Thanks,
> Nurani
>
>
>
> On 23 dec 2014, at 13:54, Nurani Nimpuno <nurani at netnod.se<mailto:nurani at netnod.se>> wrote:
>
> Thank you so much for the updated draft. Here are a few comments from me.
>
> General editiorial comments:
> 1. Change all "ASN's", "RIR's" etc to "ASNs", "RIRs" etc.
>
> 2. Write out Regional Internet Registries (RIRs), AS Numbers (ASNs) Internet Protocol (IP) addresses, gPDP etc first time they're mentioned, and use the acronym consistently in the rest of the document.
>
> Specific comments on the text
>
> I.
> Possible reasons for changes include the possibility that the IETF may release some previously reserved space for general use, or may reserve some previously unused space for a special purpose.
>
> I suggest changing "Possible reasons" to "Potential reasons"
> (But I don't feel very strongly about this. )
>
> II. A
> The ASO MoU is an agreement between the RIR communities and ICANN, as the IANA functions operator;
>
> This is not correct. This MoU relates to policy making and defines the roles for the RIRs and ICANN. (As we say in the previous sentence.)
> Suggestion: Add a full stop after ICANN.
>
>
> II. B
> A decision by the NTIA to discontinue its stewardship of the IANA functions, and therefore its contractual relationship with the IANA functions operator, would not have any significant impact on the continuity of Internet number-related IANA services currently provided by ICANN or the ongoing community processes for development of policies relating to those services. However, it would remove a significant element of oversight from the current system.
>
> I see that Andrei has already commented on this, and I agree with his suggestions on this.
>
> V
>
> 7. The only new organization that is proposed is the Review Committee that will be established to advise and assist the NRO Executive Council in its periodic review of the service level provided by the IANA functions operator.
>
> I feel like this paragraph sounds like it is describing the creation of a whole new organisation. I suggest changing the text to:
>
> 7. No new organisation is proposed. However, a new process within the RIR structures is proposed, where a Review Committee is established to advise and assist the NRO Executive Council in its periodic review of the service level provided by the IANA functions operator.
>
> (Or something or rather. Happy to hear other suggestions for better wording.)
>
> Kind regards,
>
> Nurani
>
>
>
>
> --
> Nurani Nimpuno
> Head of Outreach & Communications,   Netnod
>
> <nurani at netnod.se<mailto:nurani at netnod.se>>,     http://www.netnod.se
> Box 30194  |  SE-104 25 Stockholm  |  Sweden
> ---------------------------------------------
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> On 22 dec 2014, at 21:13, Michael Abejuela <mabejuela at arin.net<mailto:mabejuela at arin.net>> wrote:
>
> Hello Everyone,
>
> Please find attached the updated proposal draft as discussed during the conference call earlier today.  You will observe both a redline version highlighting the changes proposed by myself, Izumi and Alan.  In addition, a clean version is attached for ease of review that includes minor formatting changes.
>
> Please let me know if you have any questions.  Izumi and Alan, I trust I was able to capture all of your edits but please review and let me know if I have missed any.  I look forward to the team�s comments.
>
> Thanks,
> -Michael
>
> --
> Michael R. Abejuela
> Associate General Counsel
> ARIN
> 3635 Concorde Parkway
> Suite 200
> Chantilly, VA 20151
> (703) 227-9875 (p)
> (703) 263-0111 (f)
> mabejuela at arin.net<mailto:mabejuela at arin.net>
>
> Confidentiality Notice: This e-mail message, including any attachments, is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain confidential and privileged information.  Any unauthorized review, copy, use, disclosure, or distribution is prohibited.   If you are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply e-mail and destroy all copies of the original message.
> <CRISP IANA PROPOSAL Draft 22122014-clean.pdf><CRISP IANA PROPOSAL Draft 22122014-redline.pdf>_______________________________________________
> CRISP mailing list
> CRISP at nro.net<mailto:CRISP at nro.net>
> https://www.nro.net/mailman/listinfo/crisp
>
> _______________________________________________
> CRISP mailing list
> CRISP at nro.net<mailto:CRISP at nro.net>
> https://www.nro.net/mailman/listinfo/crisp
>
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> CRISP mailing list
> CRISP at nro.net
> https://www.nro.net/mailman/listinfo/crisp
>