[CRISP-TEAM] Updated proposal draft - reordering answers edit
nurani at netnod.se
Tue Dec 23 13:54:49 CET 2014
Thank you so much for the updated draft. Here are a few comments from me.
General editiorial comments:
1. Change all "ASN's", "RIR's" etc to "ASNs", "RIRs" etc.
2. Write out Regional Internet Registries (RIRs), AS Numbers (ASNs) Internet Protocol (IP) addresses, gPDP etc first time they're mentioned, and use the acronym consistently in the rest of the document.
Specific comments on the text
> Possible reasons for changes include the possibility that the IETF may release some previously reserved space for general use, or may reserve some previously unused space for a special purpose.
I suggest changing "Possible reasons" to "Potential reasons"
(But I don't feel very strongly about this. )
> The ASO MoU is an agreement between the RIR communities and ICANN, as the IANA functions operator;
This is not correct. This MoU relates to policy making and defines the roles for the RIRs and ICANN. (As we say in the previous sentence.)
Suggestion: Add a full stop after ICANN.
> A decision by the NTIA to discontinue its stewardship of the IANA functions, and therefore its contractual relationship with the IANA functions operator, would not have any significant impact on the continuity of Internet number-related IANA services currently provided by ICANN or the ongoing community processes for development of policies relating to those services. However, it would remove a significant element of oversight from the current system.
I see that Andrei has already commented on this, and I agree with his suggestions on this.
> 7. The only new organization that is proposed is the Review Committee that will be established to advise and assist the NRO Executive Council in its periodic review of the service level provided by the IANA functions operator.
I feel like this paragraph sounds like it is describing the creation of a whole new organisation. I suggest changing the text to:
7. No new organisation is proposed. However, a new process within the RIR structures is proposed, where a Review Committee is established to advise and assist the NRO Executive Council in its periodic review of the service level provided by the IANA functions operator.
(Or something or rather. Happy to hear other suggestions for better wording.)
Head of Outreach & Communications, Netnod
<nurani at netnod.se>, http://www.netnod.se
Box 30194 | SE-104 25 Stockholm | Sweden
On 22 dec 2014, at 21:13, Michael Abejuela <mabejuela at arin.net> wrote:
> Hello Everyone,
> Please find attached the updated proposal draft as discussed during the conference call earlier today. You will observe both a redline version highlighting the changes proposed by myself, Izumi and Alan. In addition, a clean version is attached for ease of review that includes minor formatting changes.
> Please let me know if you have any questions. Izumi and Alan, I trust I was able to capture all of your edits but please review and let me know if I have missed any. I look forward to the team’s comments.
> Michael R. Abejuela
> Associate General Counsel
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> <CRISP IANA PROPOSAL Draft 22122014-clean.pdf><CRISP IANA PROPOSAL Draft 22122014-redline.pdf>_______________________________________________
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